Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
