I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
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DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
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And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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