I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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