yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
