Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
