If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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