Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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