things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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