3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
