Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Less talking, more tequila
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Randomize
