Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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