I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
