so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
