Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
