I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
