she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
