How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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