my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
