Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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