I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
