Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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