Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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