i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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