i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
