You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
