I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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