I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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