Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
