Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Need sex. Gaining weight.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
