She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
