I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Walk of Shame today included voting.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
