the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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