I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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