she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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