I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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