then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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