I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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