my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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