So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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