he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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