I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How does it feel to date your dad?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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