I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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