Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
