I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
