just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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