just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
