She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
