omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
