I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
