when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
