I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
