I got her a Nickelback box set.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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