Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
