And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hippo gnu deer
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
