The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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