you traded sex for a burrito?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
