:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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